What do you see when you look at this photo?

Photo credit: Jessica Landrum @landrumstudios.com

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Picture perfect family? Damn...she's a Master Chief? What beautiful children! Who is that talented woman behind the camera? While Jessica Landrum is an absolutely amazing photographer, do you want to know what I see? I see a very flawed human being that was so intoxicated her Mom had to tell her that her dress was on inside out before they left the house to walk to the shoot. I see a mom anxious that she has to head back from maternity leave in two months and the weight of that position was literally crushing her soul. I see a woman so preoccupied with her postpartum weight that the only way she could put on that dress (one of three ordered because the other two made her want to crawl out of her skin) was to "sip" on about half a bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon that morning while getting ready and trying to remember to brush her teeth before leaving the house so they wouldn't be stained in the photos. Enough to silence the demons but not so much that she would appear drunk or slur her words. I see an embarrassed adult wondering if the photographer could smell the wine on her breath.

I was 15 years old and in a local dive bar called Curnayn's Tavern the first time I got drunk. I used to hang out with my older brother's girlfriend and she loved to dance. I most definitely did not love to dance but I did love the idea of hanging out with older friends. It took her a few weeks to talk me into it. My only genuine concern was getting carded i.e.-getting in trouble. She was also underage but assured me that she often got into bars simply by being female and making herself "look older". So we took a bus to Western Hills Plaza and headed into 5-7-9 (yes I am that old) where she helped me pick out a very short black skort (I wanted to expose leg, not proximal anatomy) black chunky platform shoes, a black push up bra and a black zip-up shirt that could easily be zipped down low enough to distract the bouncer at the door once I was safely out of my house and away at a "sleepover". I find it interesting in retrospect that I adorned myself from head to toe in black as this evening would be my embarkation into a very dark abyss that would take 27 years and the Hand of the Almighty God to crawl out of. For any of my Coast Guard or Navy friends reading this...I am reminded of the sounding of one prolonged blast. The applicability of this sound signal's significance directly parallels what happened that night. For those unfamiliar with nautical nonsense, this sound signal means you are leaving a dock or departing the pier. It signals to others a change in vessel status and that you are getting underway. A prolonged blast is also sounded when a vessel is approaching a bend in the river where vessels coming from another direction cannot be seen. My naive 15 year old brain had no idea what was coming up around the bend and my status definitely changed that night.

Curnayn's Tavern 4515 W 8th St, Cincinnati, Ohio

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As we approached the door, my heart was pounding in my ears in perfect rhythm with the music thumping through the speakers inside the bar. Would they let me in? Would I get arrested instead? Adrenaline poured out of my adrenal glands as my body prepared itself for fight or flight. I was very obviously fooling no one but young, attractive girls are good for business and as promised I was ushered in unscathed. We found a table where my friend's brother and another friend were seated. They asked what I wanted to drink and the blank look on my face prompted my friend to order us each a Jack and Coke. I had never had any alcohol aside from communion wine and that one time my Dad made a German themed dinner and allowed us a sip of warm hefeweizen. I had found both to be repulsive but nowhere near as abhorrent as the carbonated brown beverage I sipped on while trying not to let my face and the somatic response of my gag reflex betray me. The shots of Hot Damn went down a bit easier bolstered by my increased intoxication. Eventually, I had to "break the seal" and headed to the restroom with my friend. I found it hilarious and exhilarating that I teetered a bit and bumped into the side of the stall. So this is what it felt like to be drunk. For the first time in recollection in my short but traumatic life the noises in my head were silenced. All the doubts, social anxiety, insecurities, and timidness disappeared with each drink as I found myself able to hold an actual conversation with some semblance of confidence. My friend made sure that I paced myself and alternated water with the alcoholic beverages. We left the bar before closing (her mom was home watching her three year old daughter) and stumbled back to her house giggling and reliving the highlight reel of the evening. I fell asleep on her mom's couch and awoke with a dry mouth and smeared makeup, but no hangover to speak of. I was hooked.

I cannot cover decades of alcohol abuse in one blog post and would like to give it the honest deep dive and unpacking it deserves so let's call this Part One. To be continued...

Kindergarten 1985 Sentimental Symbology 2023, "California Sober"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6OFv566mj7s

This song really resonated with me during the time that I was in John Muir's Partial Hospitalization Program (PHP) for alcohol treatment. Although this is a secular song it spoke to my heart and perfectly captures how I've always felt the Lord's presence and power protecting me, despite every action on my part to drive Him away. Not a rainbow...but Jehovah Nissi. The Lord is my Banner!!